Seedling's Garden

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On Doing Something Important

Is Something Wrong With Me?

Failing At Christianity

Started writing 21/2/22

Today I went to church. I only really do this when I am desperate, in a very very bad place, you know. Despite calling myself a Christian, the times are rare that I walk into a church just to praise God. I always have an ulterior motive. Today, it was because I have been feeling depressed, lately. I don't often feel that. I think that I've been overwhelmed by the amount of change happening, lately, how it never abates, how no one ever lets me have a second to breathe. I don't blame them for that. But it has dragged me down. That anxiety about the future and change manifested in my becoming stubborn, stuck, refusing to move. I haven't been able to touch the job applications I'm supposed to be doing. I feel sick when I think about plans that are a week away, let alone months or years. But that is just something I struggle with. Lately, it got bad, and in a moment of pure anguish yesterday I groaned, "I need to go to church". So I popped into the local Church of England during my lunch break today to sit and pray.

I feel so much shame for this. It feels like the one thing that is worse than not praying at all - only praying when you want something. Why do I expect God to help me when I have done nothing for Him, lately? I almost make it a sport to see how cruel and uncaring I can get. I scorn kindness. And then I have the nerve to sit in a church and ask God why my life has felt so devoid of love, lately. It's as though I heard about God's unconditional love, and immediately felt the urge to exploit it.
I just asked Him how I could do better. Not better by my peers, which perhaps I should have asked, thinking back on it. But how to become closer to Him.